Feeling Stuck in Negative Thoughts? Try This Practice
I recently taught a 90-person retreat that received incredible feedback. It felt so affirming to me to have my work so well received. An hour after arriving home, still glowing from the weekend, I received an email review from a student saying that it was not what they had expected and that they were disappointed. Instantly, my delight from 89 rave reviews plummeted as a result of one person’s experience. As a result, for a little bit I zeroed in on this feedback.
Learning to Observe Our Negativity Bias
This isn’t an uncommon experience—science shows that we are hardwired to continually look for and prepare for danger. That may include dwelling on experiences, thoughts, or feelings. Or dwelling on how we feel inadequate, ashamed, hurt, or powerless, and how we need to improve and do more.
Neuroscientists refer to this as the “negativity bias.” We all have it because it keeps us safe. According to the National Science Foundation, 95 percent of our thoughts are repeated thoughts, and 80 percent of these repeated thoughts are negative.
I have grown to know this “negativity bias” habit of mine, so when I received the feedback from the student, I was able to observe it happening. Taking a moment to Pause helped me not get sucked into an old pattern where I would have ruminated for days, if not weeks.
In the last month, I’ve been sharing how we can learn to pause to regulate our nervous system and to listen without the filter of our habitual protective mechanisms. Since we set the foundation to Land, Arrive, and Relax, we’re ready to embark on the next LAR, which begins with Listening.
Related: Get your copy of my new book, The Power of the Pause
Pause Practice: Listening to Ourselves
Listening isn’t something we do for people out there. It is a way of being with ourselves and knowing what’s happening inside ourselves as we’re taking in the world—conversations, newsfeeds, feedback, etc. In the process of Listening to ourselves, we create space for openness and clarity, so we can be more present—not only with ourselves but with each other.
The practice of Listening is a heart practice.
Here, I’m sharing a meditation to support us in Listening inwardly and being open to what we notice. Perhaps we’ll uncover the stories we tell ourselves on repeat that keep us stuck. Once we observe these habits, it allows us to create space to see things not through our innate negativity filters but as they are.
We are setting internal conditions to be able to make moment-to-moment decisions about how we will relate and respond to what we hear rather than constantly reacting from a place of stress. When we grow more grounded, present, and relaxed, we begin to see more clearly what we are carrying.
From my experience of working with thousands of people, I know that as soon as we check in to notice what’s going on in the mind and body, we are likely to find unsettling things. We are likely to notice what is troublesome, painful, or distressing to us—in that moment, or maybe for our lifetime. And yet, accessing all this information is ultimately to our greatest benefit.
While practicing Listening, whatever you may feel or notice, just let it be. When you find you are having a “reaction” to anything you hear, simply notice that, too. You might say “And this too.” Or maybe simply note the category of quality: Pleasant. Unpleasant. Neutral. Or you are welcome to name the actual quality: Tired. Busy. Joyful. Sad. Angry.
Just notice yourself in a gentle way. Be gentle with yourself.
Offer yourself grace as you are listening.
