We Can’t Will Ourselves to Relax: Why Pausing Starts in the Body
Pausing isn’t simply “just stopping.” It’s an intentional, conscious break we take. This distinction matters because the mind goes offline when we are stressed. And this raises a central question: If our mind is not “available” to Pause, how do we do it?
It is also important to understand that we can’t do it on command. Just telling someone to Pause is the same thing as telling someone to relax when they are all wound up. If my husband or daughter tells me to relax while I’m already worked up, within seconds I’m even more riled up.
Rather than “thinking our way out of stress”—or thinking about Pausing—we must begin this process in the body. Pausing is a somatic practice, and we can train ourselves to do this. We start with feeling supported in our body to expand our breath, release excess tension, and self-regulate. When the body is more grounded and calm, we can begin to access clearer thinking and a more mindful presence. With self-regulation, we begin to gain more access to a wider array of conscious choices and responses—as well as our wisdom and compassion.
Pausing might feel out of reach for many of us, but it’s mostly because we’ve never really trained ourselves to do it. We can learn, even if it doesn’t happen automatically yet. If we train in Pausing regularly, we can create new habits to replace our old habitual reactions. While pausing won’t magically make our stressors disappear, it allows us to develop a new relationship with them—so we can navigate through challenges in a healthier way.
In my book, The Power of the Pause, I share a six-step technique called LAR-LAR™ to help us train to pause and shift our habitual responses. I credit this practice for changing my life, as well as supporting thousands of my students through major challenges in their lives.
L - Land
A - Arrive
R - Relax
L - Listen
A - Attend
R - Respond/Repeat
The first part of the acronym, is that first you have to "Land." I’m literally referring to the way we feel connected to the ground underneath us. Like feeling your feet on the earth or letting your body weight drain down. When we literally experience the support, we can stop gripping and clenching and holding ourselves up. It’s only when we begin to feel support that we can begin to feel safe, and support and safety are prerequisites to being able to relax.
Next, we "Arrive," and what I mean by that is become present or aware of what is happening in the moment. Initially we use the breath as a tool to help us arrive, as the breath is only happening in the now moment. Therefore gently paying attention to the flow of the breath helps us to naturally arrive in the present. Placing our awareness on the breath also begins to deepen the breath, which in turn will calm the nervous system. As the breath deepens it stimulates the vagus nerve, which is the switch to what we call the Rest and Digest response.
Finally, we "Relax" on purpose. There are areas in our body that harbor habitual tension. In this phase, we notice the places we are gripping and clenching and holding — the jaw, the shoulders, the fists, the belly. When we relax areas of habitual tension, we send a message to the body that we don’t need to be armoring ourselves and defending ourselves from a threat. The nervous system gets the sense that it’s safe, and it puts in motion physiological and neurological responses that allow us to begin the process of moving out of the stress response and into the relaxation response.
These first LAR steps set the foundation for the next three steps of LAR. They create the conditions for us to "Listen" inwardly to our bodies, breath, and mind. As we listen in this way, we can begin to discover where we are out of balance or holding tension in our body and mind. We may experience stored sensations, emotions, or thoughts that need to shift in some way. To create conditions for this evolution, we practice "Attending," or kindly meeting our inner experience so that long-held, often hidden stress and tension can be released. We then “Relax” all over again and "Repeat” the process: LARLAR.
The thing to remember—it's not about staying present and relaxed all the time. It's about being able to notice when we are no longer centered, grounded, and open—and to be able to bring ourselves back.
The thing to remember about practicing LARLAR™ is that you don't have to be on your yoga mat for two hours or sit on a cushion for 20 minutes. In fact, there are so many tools that take just a couple of minutes that you can use regularly to land, feel your body, and relax.
I am including a couple of easy practices. These simple practices can be done upon waking, before a meal, before entering your house after work, before picking up the phone to have a conversation. In fact, I set the alarm on my iPhone to alert me every three hours so that I can pause, take three breaths, and release the areas I tense. The main point here is to commit regularly, like the way we brush our teeth, to simple practices that help us to relax more in the daily moments of our lives.
Practice Now
In my new 6-week somatic series, you’ll learn simple, body-based practices to help you land, regulate your nervous system, and meet each moment with greater clarity, compassion, and choice on your mat and in your everyday life.
START NOW - FEBRUARY 27
FRIDAYS | 10:00-11:00AM ET
Join us online for weekly sessions that offer a grounding talk on each step, guided meditations, somatic movement, deep relaxation, and a book club-style community conversation.
The first practice is available now!
