Many of us are living in some form of chronic pain that weaves into a complex inner story. The pain stories we carry vary, but it’s often based on what’s happening now and also on our history.

Of course, pain is unique to each person and is also natural and essential. It is a critical and primary part of our survival wiring.

Our first and most immediate response to the environment is to determine whether we are safe. Pain moves us to take action to protect ourselves.

In my new upcoming book, The Power of the Pause (preorder here 🩵), I turned to my friend Dr. Christiane Wolf to dive into the science of pain.

A physician turned mindfulness teacher and author of Mindfulness and Self-Compassion for Chronic Pain, Dr. Wolf told me that chronic pain also activates a response that shields us from more than just immediate, acute danger.

“We’re not just experiencing the pain of this moment, we’re also simultaneously experiencing the memories and the trauma of the past,” Dr. Wolf said. “There isn’t always an actual correlation between the presence of tissue damage and the level of pain we’re in.”

In other words, pain isn’t just physical. It’s emotional. And it’s deeply tied to our nervous system and our need for safety.

For example, it’s possible that a conversation with our child can trigger a decades-old emotional wound, which can then manifest as that persistent throbbing back pain.

In these situations, we can’t just tell ourselves to relax or think the pain away. Our attention collapses around our pain. Pain pulls us in tight, disconnects us, and shuts us down.

How can we stay open to love, connection, and presence in these difficult conditions?

“And This Too”: Meeting Our Pain in a New Way

We can learn to be with our pain—even a little bit at a time. Through titrating, we can also learn to tolerate our exposure to it and support ourselves, which changes our brain’s experience of pain.

“We retrain ourselves to regulate through sending messages of safety and compassion to ourselves. And to support ourselves so we can be with what is happening, rather than our story or expectation about what is happening,” Dr. Wolf says. “Of course, our pain may be hard to be with, or accept, or have compassion for. But, maybe we can start with having some compassion toward ourselves for the fact that we are in pain.”

My wish for all of us is that we can start by having compassion for ourselves and the fact that we are in pain. Compassion is the game-changer. And it is essential if we are going to learn to be with pain—whatever kind of pain we may be experiencing.

Self-compassion can start with a pause.

Pausing with Chronic Pain

Compassion is essential if we are going to learn to deal with pain—whatever kind of pain we may be experiencing. And there is one thing we do know about pain, whether it is physical, psychological, or emotional: It causes us to protect ourselves more.

As we practice Pausing and expanding, we begin to change our brains, allowing us to take in more than just our painful experiences. And as we open in this way, our curiosity expands, which increases our ability to be with what is difficult.

Yes, there’s the pain. There may also be moments of joy, ease, as well as parts of the body that may not be in pain.

Pausing doesn’t eliminate pain; it creates space to experience pain without being consumed by it. This space allows us to be less reactive and more open to what is happening in the moment. It allows us to make room for our discomfort and complexity—and for the discomfort and complexity of others.

When we make space to come together without having to make things one particular way or another, we have more room to be in a relationship with each other—in whatever state we are in.